Everywhere

If you read the previous post, you already know that my lovely mare passed away Friday night. After many wonderful years, it was time to let her go. She had been through a lot in recent months and in the end I had to face the fact that the battle had gone on long enough and the kindest thing I could do for her was to give her some rest. While she has finally found some peace…I can’t say that I have found it yet, but I’m trying.

In the midst of my grief, I have taken up picturing her everywhere I go. Today on my run, she trotted along happily, occasionally speeding up to run circles around me. Then, when I was driving and had to accept that she would not fit into the car, I imagined her standing on the roof, her mane blowing wildly in the wind. Things got a little crowded in the kitchen while I was making lunch, but I’m used to maneuvering around two big dogs, so what was one more horse in the mix?! My all-time favorite so far, was seeing her standing in the bathroom, taking up the entire floor space as I took a shower. Initially I had considered having her in there with me ( it happens to be a particularly large shower) but then I remembered how much she hated getting her feet wet and decided that that was completely unrealistic ;).

As we speak, she is standing in my living room with her head reaching over the sofa so she can peek over my shoulder while I’m sitting here writing. She might have prefered to stand beside my desk, however that spot was already taken by my golden retriever.

It gives me a sense of comfort to see her all around me. A gut-wrenching-brings-tears-to-my-eyes sort of comfort I really can’t describe any other way. I miss her. My body literally aches when I think about her being gone and I suppose it will be this way for a while, but at least I can still see her anytime I want…

This isn’t my first experience with imaginary individuals. To tell you the truth, I’ve been doing this for as long as I can remember. When I was a teenager I seriously considered the possibility that I was insane. Then, in my twenties, I wondered if perhaps I was psychic because the images can be so vivid and (don’t take this the wrong way) they have been known to talk. Now I realize I am neither. I’m not nuts or clairvoyant… I’m just a writer.

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5 thoughts on “Everywhere

  1. How sad, yet you were able to remove her from suffering . that is the greatest gift. She is still with you, albeit on another plane of existence. I have all dogs and cats with me at various times, visiting, playing, listening. I love the dreams where I can actually touch them, pet them and feel their presence ..they are truly alive there. My sincere condolences to you on your lovely horse .. what vivid movements, she is running, she is there with you.

      • The physical absence just rips apart everything .. remember that you gave her the very best and she loved you and still does. I hope that helps take away some of the pain for you …. I hope it does. Easy to say .. my heart still breaks for my beloved 4-footed pets. Only time will help heal .. sending hugs out to you and your family at this sad time.

      • Knowing that she is free from the pain and her broken body does give me some comfort. It’s knowing how hard she fought to hang in there that long that breaks my heart on top of everything else…letting her go was the right thing.
        We’ve lost other pets in the past as well, it’s never easy. I think people who don’t have animals often underestimate how close that bond really is and how deeply the loss is felt when they pass on…which is why your support is genuinely appreciated ❤

      • thank you .. their love is pure and true, how sad that some people don’t understand the real depth of our pets unconditional love for us. We who understand are so very lucky, I feel. My heart goes out to your family. A.M.

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